Anybody Have Any Good Jokes?

Textkit Community Open Board
1

My joke vocabulary lacks quality. Does anyone have a good one? Post em here!

Here’s two to start

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start
with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
replacement Mexicans.



One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have parachute, too.” He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.”
The hippie smiled slowly and said, “Hey, don’t worry, pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.”

2

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary, and those that don’t.

3

I’ve heard that one before lol.

4

My mom just sent me this one today:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

5

I have many a racist joke but I’m sure I’d be banned so…South Wales is disgusting…

hmm…without those it doesn’t leave much. Here’s one that I heard today.

Cecilina has triplets. One tugs on her skirt and asks “mommy mommy why did you call me fluff?”
“Because son when you were born some fluff was dropped onto your head” “fair dos”
The second triplet slaps Cecilina’s leg and asks “mommy mommy why am I called coin?”
“Because son when you were born a coin was dropped on your head”
“ah ok”.
And in the corner the third triplet is jumping about in the corner thwacking his head against the wall “huuuuuh huuuh mwahahehuhhhhhhhh heeeee huhhhh”
“SHUT UP BRICK!!”

it’s better in person since the retard noises can be achieved.

6

Why don’t Chinese have a phonebook?
There are too many wings and wongs. They might wing the wong number!

7

That is quite possibly the funniest joke I have heard in a long time. I’m sharing it with all of my computer Geek friends.

Now for a religious joke (to be taken tongue firmly in cheek);

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Unitarian??

Someone who knocks on your door, but doesn’t have anything to say!

Now for a musical joke;

How can you tell a drummer is knocking on your door??

It speeds up!

One more musical joke;

Define a half-step.

Two oboe players, playing in unison!!

Yes, I am a musician, not a drummer or oboe player (alto sax 20 years, Bird rules!)

8

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken cross the road or the road move beneath the chicken?

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

9

There are so many things wrong with this thread :unamused:

10

I should agree.

11

It is all relative…

12

Oh, that is sooooo bad! I love it! :laughing:

13

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary, and those that don’t.

O cmon people. Its not that funny. Okay. 10 is 2 in binary. So what?

14

Well, excuse my sence of humor, I think it’s funny!
I give it a 1001 out of 1010

15

Humor is relative…

16

Jung He Fah Toy Said: Humor is relative…

If Humor is both your cousin and your wife; … you might be a Redneck

17

lol

18

What do you give a man who has everything?
What do you call a man wearing eleven balaclavas?

19

What do you call someone who speaks 2 Languages? …Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 3 Languages? … Trilingual


What do you call someone who speaks only one language … American :blush:

20

Well…are you gonna give us the punchlines?? Or am I just too dense to get it??