translation project - my supplication for assistance

Latin Learning Latin
1

Hello all,

For the rather informal Latin course I am currently taking at my university, I am required to translate a substantial (~200 words) passage from English into Latin. I have completed a tentative translation, but I would be delighted for some of the illustrious members of this forum to critique my effort. However, I realize that this passage’s length may not encourage a casual effort. Whatever feedback I receive will be welcome. If you do intend to help, please keep in mind that my project is due this next Monday, March 7.

Thanks in advance,

David Carruth

The English original and the Latin translation alternate by paragraph

The Artist

Artifex

Written by Oscar Wilde

Scriptus a Oscar Wilde

One evening there came into his soul the desire to fashion an image of The Pleasure that abideth for a Moment. And he went forth into the world to look for bronze. For he could only think in bronze.

Uno vespere desiderium imaginis formandae Voluptatis quae manet Breviter in animum eius venit. Et in mundum foras iit ut aerem quaerat. Modo enim per aerem poterat cogitare.

But all the bronze of the whole world had disappeared, nor anywhere in the whole world was there any bronze to be found, save only the bronze of the image of The Sorrow that endureth for Ever.

Omne autem aes mundi totius disparuerat, et aes non poterat inveniri ubique in mundo toto praeter aerem imaginis Doloris qui permanet Aeternum.

Now this image he had himself, and with his own hands, fashioned, and had set it on the tomb of the one thing he had loved in life. On the tomb of the dead thing he had most loved had he set this image of his own fashioning, that it might serve as a sign of the love of man that dieth not, and a symbol of the sorrow of man that endureth for ever. And in the whole world there was no other bronze save the bronze of this image.

Ipse autem hanc imaginem formaverat manibus suis et eam ponuerat super sepulcrum unius rei quam in vita amaverat. Super sepulcrum rei mortuae quam valde amaverat hanc imaginem quam ipse formaverat ponuerat ut imago sit signum amoris hominis qui non moritur et simulacrum doloris qui permanet aeternum. Et non erat in mundo toto ullum aes praeter aerem huius imaginis.

And he took the image he had fashioned, and set it in a great furnace, and gave it to the fire.

Et imaginem quam formaverat accepit et eam ponuit in furnacem magnam et igni eam dedit.

And out of the bronze of the image of The Sorrow that endureth for Ever he fashioned an image of The Pleasure that abideth for a Moment.

Et ex aere imaginis Doloris qui permanet Aeternum formavit imaginem Voluptatis quae manet Breviter.[/i]

2

For a rather informal class that’s an excellent composition!

The only grammatical thing to point is out is watch your sequence of tenses. You have two result clauses whose tense in the subjunctive needs to be changed to fit the past narrative.

Stylistic points (which are to varying degrees debatable).
orbis terrarum is slightly better than mundus for “world” in this sense.

For uno vespere perhaps olim vesperi (or olim vespere–but using the locative form is cooler).

per aeram doesn’t sound right, but it would be hard to convey this sense with alternatives I think. Maybe just the simple ablative? Or try other prepositions: ex, for example? Also modo sounds a bit odd, but I don’t know why.

I think aeternum alone as an adverb is a bit too poetical; in aeternum is better in prose.

I see what you’re trying to do with breviter, but I’m not sure it contrasts well enough with in aeternum. If you translated it back into English it doesn’t’t sound as strong to me as Wilde intended it: “the Sorrow that endureth forever” vs. “the Pleasure that abides for a short while”. You could add something like modo for emphasis; you could experiment with phrases like punctum temporis or momentum temporis, you could switch manet to moratur. What about voluptas quae brevi moratur? It’s a small point and all a matter of how you read these things.

Hope this helps. I also hope other members of textkit jump in to correct me where I’m wrong.

Good luck!
Adam

3

Adam,

Since the passage I submitted was relatively long, I didn’t expect anyone to attempt to critique it. Thanks for surprising me! Your comments were pertinent and, as best as I can tell, accurate. I will make good use of them as I finish revising the project this evening.

Sincerely,

David