A valiant effort, and you’ve contrived an almost word-for-word rendering. But too much of it is unmetrical (neither of your first two lines scans) and scarcely intelligible (ἀΐθρεις I guess is meant to be ἀίδρεις). It’s very difficult to compose respectable hexameters without being thoroughly immersed in Homer. That may be the chief value of such an exercise.
Your best line is probably the penultimate. In the last line τλῆτε φίλ’ obviously won’t do, but you could try τλῆτε φίλοι, υμεας τ’ επ’αμεινοσι σωζεθ’ εαυτους.
