Corvus (a translation of E. A. Poe's "The Raven") *WIP*

Composition and Communication Composition Board
1

This is a project I’ve wanted to do for some time, but never gotten round to. Since this is a learning experience more than anything else, I figured I could do with some guidance from people better versed in Latin than me, so I will post bits as I go along (stanza by stanza, most likely), and will take into account any suggestions.

I decided that elegiac couplets (or a variation thereof) would be a good fit for the poem (or rather, I thought the poem would be a good fit for elegiac couplets, since that was what I wanted to write), because in the English the first four lines of each stanza seemed to come in pairs, with an alternating feminine-masculine line ending pattern, which the hexameter-pentameter couplet imitates rather well. For the last two lines, I decided to take a hexameter line and half of a pentameter line, and then move the final long syllable of the hexameter to the beginning of the pentameter line, so I could replicate the echoing of the fourth line in the fifth, and the shorter final line.

Stanza 1:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.’

nocte olim misera, fessus dum mente voluto
historias veteres miraque verba legens,
paene soporatus, subito fit pulsus, ut astans
limine nunc aliquis me manet ante forem.
“hospes adest,” musso, “qui me manet ante forem.
quin hoc modo, plusque nihil.”

First of all, does everything make sense and are there any metrical slips?
Secondly, does this read well as Latin?
And how well does the meter flow (especially the last two lines)? The other option I have in mind is just to have a pentameter line and then half a pentameter line (by getting rid of me and quin).

My thoughts:
I would rather like the second line to be closer in meaning to the English, but I haven’t come up with anything so far.
I’m not sure I like paene soporatus, and I certainly don’t like astans limine nunc.

Also, is there a way to indent lines here?

2

This is quite splendid, and I’m afraid you’re out of our league. Since you ask for critique, though, I’ll venture to say I don’t much like the ut in line 3 (meaning unclear), but I have nothing against the things you query. Line 2 is the weakest (esp. miraque verba), but to get it much closer to the English you’d have to expand it. Line 5 is good, but to my mind the last line doesn’t really work, though I quite like the idea. Would it be better to repeat the first part of line 5 to give a second hexameter?—or better than exactly repeating, try hau dubium, hospes adest, quin hoc …? Better still, I’d say, drop the quin, to give elegiacs throughout. Once you’ve lost the original’s rhyme scheme, I don’t think you should mess with the Latin meter. So line 6 hau dubium, hospes adest, hoc modo plusque nihil?

I don’t think you can indent lines here. But then manuscripts of elegiacs didn’t indent either.

3

I will attribute any display of quality to Poe for writing the original; all I’m doing is trying to find suitable words that fit the meter. But thanks for the feedback!

Regarding the ut, I see the issue in meaning. I’ve played around with ut si + subj. but that hasn’t yielded anything particularly nice (unless it can take the indicative?). Perhaps deviating a little from the original:

paene soporatus, subito fit pulsus, et alter -
certe nunc aliquis me manet ante forem.

Although without enjambment following, the pause after pulsus interrupts the rhythm a bit (at least to me).

As for the last line, I did want to keep it short, like in the original (maybe just drop the quin?). But if I do make it a pentameter, should I keep the truncated hexameter in line 5?

4

You can keep the weird meter of your last two lines if you want, even though it doesn’t convey the effect of Poe’s lines. I reckon you’ve worked on this hard enough. I’d prefer nil aliud to plusque nihil at the end.

5

I think I will keep the meter the same, at least for now. I’ll think some more on it. But I do like nil aliud, thanks for the suggestion.

For the second stanza, I’ve had to make some significant changes to make it fit the meter. In particular, the poem is now directly addressed to Lenore, since I couldn’t fit ablatives into the second half of the pentameter. I’ve rendered Lenore as Lenora, -ae, 1f., with a long o.

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

claritus ah memini; funesta erat hora Decembre,
atque solo vitam quaeque favilla dabat.
lux utinam veniat! frustra solacia quaero
tristitiae de te, rapta Lenora, meae -
nota deis virgo secura Lenora, meae.
num nosceris hic alicui?

My thoughts:
I don’t know how good funesta is; it was the only thing I could find that fitted the meter (there was also glaciali, but I wanted to avoid the elision of the long -i).
I’m not sure about the atque, with quaeque in the second half, and it feels overly emphasised.
The repetition of meae feels like a bit of a cop-out, but I wanted to keep the repetition of the end of the lines. Would tibi work after tristitiae?

6

A very brave shot, and successful in parts. A few constructive criticisms:

  1. claritus. I had to look it up. Stick to regular poetic Latin. E.g. quam clarum memini.
    Decembre. Do something with cold dark mid-winter, e.g. glacialis hiems erat atra (not commended, just to give an idea).
  2. A good line, but a strained image with vitam.
  3. quaero present awkward, and a shame you lose the books (de libris?). quaerens, w/ vb in next line??
  4. Apostrophe excellent!! meae too strong at end, where tristitiae would go well.
    5 obscure, and last line (“You’re not getting known to someone here are you?”) bathetic.

But this is most impressive for someone with no more than high school Latin. The way forward, I think, is to immerse yourself in elegiacs, esp. Ovid, so that you don’t have to struggle quite so much.

7

Ah, I guess my lack of reading shows; I will follow your suggestion.

Re: the last line, whoops, I forgot that noscere meant “get to know” rather than just “know”. How about sed notane nunc alicui? (or notane es hic if a verb is required)? I haven’t found a metrical way to translate the line directly.

8

After a bit of a hiatus (I’ve been very busy these past couple of weeks), I’ve finally done the third verse. I’ve also made a few changes to the previous verses.

nocte olim misera, fessus dum mente voluto
historias veteres sed nova verba legens,
paene soporatus, subito fit pulsus, et alter -
certe nunc aliquis me manet ante forem.
“hospes adest,” musso, “qui me manet ante forem -
quin hoc modo, plusque nihil.”

quam clarum memini; funesta erat hora Decembre,
atque solo nebulam quaeque favilla dabat.
lux utinam veniat! frustra solacia quaerens
de libris, temet, rapta Lenora, fleo -
nota deis virgo praeclara Lenora, fleo -
ignota dehinc aliis.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`‘Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,’

molle quidem velum dubio me triste susurro
terret ita horribili me capiente metu,
ut nunc sollicitus minuendos cordis ad ictus
“hospes adest foribus” dictitem, “inire petens -
hospest adest foribus nunc serus inire petens -
quin hoc modo, nil aliud.”

My thoughts:
I haven’t found a good alternative to funesta erat hora Decembre yet.
horribili me capiente metu probably isn’t the best of translations, although I suppose it gets the idea of fear across.
minuendos cordis ad ictus is what I’m most unsure about. Is it grammatical, does it make sense, and is it (at least close to) idiomatic?