De mythologia aegyptiorum

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Lambda
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De mythologia aegyptiorum

Post by Lambda »

Salvete sodales!

I am trying to improve my Latin writing skills and would greatly appreciate your help. At the moment, I am particularly interested in using 'correct' grammar and vocabulary before I shift my focus to more intricate points of style.
I got the impression that at least here in Germany Latin prose composition in universities has a very narrow definition of what constitutes 'correct' use of the language. Latinists told me they were only allowed to use words found in Cicero (not even including his letters) and Caesar in their composition classes. For my purposes I would be perfectly contend if I can learn to write with vocabulary used in antiquity (say from Plautus to Tacitus) or in Renaissance Latin. (I would, however, like to use 'prose' words in prose and not those only found in carmina.)

Recommendations to revise some particular aspect of Latin grammar or any other thing I do systematically wrong would be especially helpful.

Without further ado, I present:


Osiris et Seth

Seth Osirem fratrem odio excitatus eum dolo occidere desideravit. Propterea cum septuaginta et duobus viris Asoque cenam splendidam festavit, in quo et Osiris invitatus est. Ibi arcam ligneam, nitide ornata et lepidissima, hospibus monstravit. ‚Ecce arcam meam!‘, inquit Seth: ‚Hunc arcam donabo, qui in arcam iacentem exacte hanc explet!‘ Cum omnes hospes probaverunt an in arca iacere potuissent, Osiris quoque in arcam decumbuit. Statim Seth cum hospibus eius arcam clausit, et plumbo gravata illam in flumine Nilum immersam est.
Isis, uxor Osiris, puero eius gravida eo tempore minime contra Seth pugnare potuit, et ob eam rem Horus infans eius in latebris natus est. Tunc, cum mater eius Horum in alvio iacens in flumen Nilum posuisset, filium occultum sciens, maritum quaesivit. Etiam ad Byblum venit, ut Osirem invenerit, et ibi arca a ea inventa est.
Corpus Osisris ad Aeguptum relatam Isis magica sua vitam novam dedit. Atque Seth de resurrecctionem fratris suis certiorem factus hunc invenit, et iterum occisit. Cum corpus euis secavisset, partes corporis in toto Aegypto dispergit. Misera Isis in tota terra partes uxoris quaesivit, ut eum iterum in vitam referret. Quaesita ea quasi omnes partes invenit, solum penem maritus aberat. Certiorem facta penem a crocodile dervoratum, conata est hunc imaginem ligneam substituere, sed frustra. Propterea Osiris non iterum ressurgere potuit, et in Orco misso rex mortuorum factus est, dum Seth terram regnavit.

De bello deorum

Primum Horus, a matre in Nilo positum, a homines, qui apud Nilum vixerunt, inventus, et a his alitus est. Postea is cognovit re vera deum non hominem esse, et de sorte parentum certiorem factus, patrem ulciscens contra Seth bellum accerissimum gerit. Cum Nephthite, olim maritus Seth, Thot, deo scriptorum, Anube Iseque matre contra milites Seth adipisci. Vae! Tanti homines, qui in exercitibus Hori et Seth pugnaverunt, perierunt. Tunc Isis, misercoria mota, nonnulli homines capta liberavit. Cum Horus hac res animadvertisset, ira incensus matrem caput abscidit. Thot magia sua utens Isis tamen servare potuit. Ac hic et alii dei de res gesta Hori abhorruerunt, ut Horum derseret. Nunc Horus solus contra Seth pugnavit. Post multis proelis Re timens, totum mundum periturum esse, Neithem iussit decernere utrum Seth an Horus terram regneret. Haec decrevit Horum terram nigram, quae fertilis apud ripam Nili situs est, regnare, et Seth terram rubram, desertum.

Shenoute
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Re: De mythologia aegyptiorum

Post by Shenoute »

Nice! I hope your efforts will pay. Here are my two cents, for what they are worth, about the beginning.

Seth Osirem fratrem odio excitatus eum dolo occidere desideravit.
>Eum seems unnecessary since Osir(id)em fratrem is already there as object of occidere.

Propterea cum septuaginta et duobus viris Asoque cenam splendidam festavit,
> Doesfestare exist?

in quo et Osiris invitatus est.
>The relative should be feminine since it refers to cena. In+Abl. seems a bit weird to me here since the verb is invitatus est, I'd go for ad quam

Ibi arcam ligneam, nitide ornata et lepidissima, hospibus monstravit.
>The adjectives describing the arcam need to be in the accusative too
>hospitibus

Hunc arcam donabo, qui in arcam iacentem exacte hanc explet!‘
>Hanc arcam
>Something like ei is missing in the sentence: "I will give the box to him/to the person, who..." (or maybe hunc was meant for dative? If so, it should be huic)
>iacentem being accusative can only refer to the arca but I think you wanted it to refer to the subject of expleo (and if so, iacens in arca rather than in arcam)

Cum omnes hospes probaverunt an in arca iacere potuissent,
>hospites
>Something seems off to me with the tenses (a bit like "When the guests tried wether they had been able"). I'd use possent instead (and postquam rather than cum)

Osiris quoque in arcam decumbuit.
>decubuit (past) or decumbit (present)
>Not sure if decumbo is used with in+Acc.

Statim Seth cum hospibus eius arcam clausit, et plumbo gravata illam in flumine Nilum immersam est.
>hospitibus
>eius > suis
>immersam est is impossible
>flumine Nilum > both should be Acc., flumen Nilum.

Lambda
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Re: De mythologia aegyptiorum

Post by Lambda »

Wow, thank you for the fast and thorough reply!

Plurimas gratias tibi ago!

A quick follow-up:

1) 'festare' does not seem to exist. I'll replace it with 'convivum facere'

2) It should have been:

Huic arcam donabo, qui in arcam iacentem exacte hanc explet!‘

3) "et plumbo gravata illa in flumen Nilum immersa est."

Does it now make sense?

edit:

4)

'Cum omnes hospes probaverunt an in arca iacere potuissent, Osiris quoque in arcam decumbuit.'

How about:

Cum omnes hospes probavissent an in arca iacere posserent, Osiris quoque in arcam decumbit.'

Why would you prefer 'postquam' ?

Note to myself:

hospes, hospitis
Double check correspondence in casus, numerus, genus

edit 2: Special thanks for bringing to my notice that Osiris, Osiridis already has established latin case endings! : - )

Shenoute
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Re: De mythologia aegyptiorum

Post by Shenoute »

Lambda wrote: Fri Apr 10, 2020 5:38 pm Wow, thank you for the fast and thorough reply!

Plurimas gratias tibi ago!
You're welcome!

A quick follow-up:

1) 'festare' does not seem to exist. I'll replace it with 'convivum facere'

2) It should have been:

Huic arcam donabo, qui in arcam iacentem exacte hanc explet!‘
Ok for huic but there is still the problem of iacentem. Right now the sentence reads: "I will offer the box to him, who fills her exactly into the box which is lying down".

3) "et plumbo gravata illa in flumen Nilum immersa est."

Does it now make sense?
Yes.


edit:

4)

'Cum omnes hospes probaverunt an in arca iacere potuissent, Osiris quoque in arcam decumbuit.'

How about:

Cum omnes hospes probavissent an in arca iacere posserent, Osiris quoque in arcam decumbit.'
posserent > possent. And I'd change decumbit to past tense since the cum clause is plus quam perfect.

Why would you prefer 'postquam' ?
I don't know.

Note to myself:

hospes, hospitis
Double check correspondence in casus, numerus, genus

edit 2: Special thanks for bringing to my notice that Osiris, Osiridis already has established latin case endings! : - )
Actually, I may have been too dogmatic here. I checked in a dictionary and it seems Osiris can be declined as Osiris, Osiris or Osiris, Osiridis. But in the first case, the accusative appears to beOsirim not Osirem.

Lambda
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Re: De mythologia aegyptiorum

Post by Lambda »

Again many thanks! :-)
Shenoute wrote: Fri Apr 10, 2020 7:03 pm
Ok for huic but there is still the problem of iacentem. Right now the sentence reads: "I will offer the box to him, who fills her exactly into the box which is lying down".
Your translation of my gibberish made me laugh. ^^ 'Iacens' should of course agree with the one lying in the box, and not with the box itself.

edit:
Actually, I may have been too dogmatic here. I checked in a dictionary and it seems Osiris can be declined as Osiris, Osiris or Osiris, Osiridis. But in the first case, the accusative appears to beOsirim not Osirem.
That's super interesting. Thanks for looking it up!

Shenoute
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Re: De mythologia aegyptiorum

Post by Shenoute »

Glad it made you laugh! :)

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