Back to school bloopers

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Back to school bloopers

Post by Aurelia » Fri Aug 06, 2004 2:32 am

Back To School Bloopers

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen in England. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

Just received from Stan K - The above is from the chapter "The World Accordng to Student Bloopers" by Richar Lederer from his book "Anguished English.'

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Post by Clemens » Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:22 am


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Post by Keesa » Fri Aug 06, 2004 1:18 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

I love it, I love it, I love it. :lol:

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Post by Amy » Fri Aug 06, 2004 2:27 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: "rubbing cats baclwards", "overdose of wedlock"!
not as funny, but in History we were having a debate where everyone took the parts of characters and.....
"you say that Leif Erikson discovered America! however, isn't it true that Abraham Lincoln discovered it in 1492 by writing the Declaration of Independence?"

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Post by Michaelyus » Fri Aug 06, 2004 3:01 pm

Oh so stupidly humorous!

"But Bach was composed of the Bad Tempered Xaviers, and the most difficult one is in the Sea. Sharp Minor, to whom the feuds were dedicated to, was the brother of Pliny minor, who marked the grave of Brand-of-Bird con certo, in English, "with Sure". He also composed the massive "Be minor", in his hometown, Valhalle-moll. His life was Trojan, because both his families died when he was ten, and his brother took him in. He played with organs, and was Grapplemeister of organs in Leipzig. Bach also had lots of fun playing with violins, but not viols, because in French Sarah-bans they were rude. He went blind when he was fifty, but was reawakened by Georg-Mendel's-Son."

I did compose that one; I know it is dumb, but it was my attempt. I think only those acquainted with Bach's life will understand it.

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Post by ingrid70 » Fri Aug 06, 2004 6:55 pm

From a Dutch comedian, playing a schoolboy:

History is bunk. Why should I care that Mozart was born from 1756 tp 1791? And why do we need to learn these history books by rote? Are they sold out? Ever since the invention of the printing press, we have to learn everything by rote.
And look at those test questions: Who was born where, and what was he called by whom? If not, why?


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