Anybody Have Any Good Jokes?

Jung He Fah Toy · Post by **Jung He Fah Toy** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 11:49 pm

My joke vocabulary lacks quality. Does anyone have a good one? Post em here!

Here's two to start

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
replacement Mexicans.

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

phil · Post by **phil** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 12:38 am

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.

Jung He Fah Toy · Post by **Jung He Fah Toy** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 1:19 am

I've heard that one before lol.

Post by **klewlis** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 7:24 am

My mom just sent me this one today:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Episcopus · Post by **Episcopus** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 5:32 pm

I have many a racist joke but I'm sure I'd be banned so...South Wales is disgusting...

hmm...without those it doesn't leave much. Here's one that I heard today.

Cecilina has triplets. One tugs on her skirt and asks "mommy mommy why did you call me fluff?"
"Because son when you were born some fluff was dropped onto your head" "fair dos"
The second triplet slaps Cecilina's leg and asks "mommy mommy why am I called coin?"
"Because son when you were born a coin was dropped on your head"
"ah ok".
And in the corner the third triplet is jumping about in the corner thwacking his head against the wall "huuuuuh huuuh mwahahehuhhhhhhhh heeeee huhhhh"
"SHUT UP BRICK!!"

it's better in person since the retard noises can be achieved.

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 7:59 pm

Why don't Chinese have a phonebook?
There are too many wings and wongs. They might wing the wong number!

Kopio · Post by **Kopio** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 8:12 pm

phil wrote:There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.

That is quite possibly the funniest joke I have heard in a long time. I'm sharing it with all of my computer Geek friends.

Now for a religious joke (to be taken tongue firmly in cheek);
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian??

Someone who knocks on your door, but doesn't have anything to say!

Now for a musical joke;
------------------------------------------
How can you tell a drummer is knocking on your door??

It speeds up!

One more musical joke;
------------------------------------------
Define a half-step.

Two oboe players, playing in unison!!

Yes, I am a musician, not a drummer or oboe player (alto sax 20 years, Bird rules!)

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 8:20 pm

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken cross the road or the road move beneath the chicken?

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

benissimus · Post by **benissimus** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 11:02 pm

There are so many things wrong with this thread

Episcopus · Post by **Episcopus** » Fri Mar 19, 2004 11:06 pm

I should agree.

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Sat Mar 20, 2004 6:01 pm

It is all relative...

mariek · Post by **mariek** » Sat Mar 20, 2004 6:43 pm

phil wrote:There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.

Oh, that is sooooo bad! I love it!

Jung He Fah Toy · Post by **Jung He Fah Toy** » Sat Mar 20, 2004 6:49 pm

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.

O cmon people. Its not that funny. Okay. 10 is 2 in binary. So what?

Bert · Post by **Bert** » Sat Mar 20, 2004 9:39 pm

Jung He Fah Toy wrote:
There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.
O cmon people. Its not that funny. Okay. 10 is 2 in binary. So what?

Well, excuse my sence of humor, I think it's funny!
I give it a 1001 out of 1010

Jung He Fah Toy · Post by **Jung He Fah Toy** » Sat Mar 20, 2004 10:37 pm

Humor is relative...

Geoff · Post by **Geoff** » Sun Mar 21, 2004 2:58 am

Jung He Fah Toy Said: Humor is relative...

If Humor is both your cousin and your wife; .... you might be a Redneck

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Sun Mar 21, 2004 8:22 pm

phil · Post by **phil** » Sun Mar 21, 2004 9:15 pm

What do you give a man who has everything?
What do you call a man wearing eleven balaclavas?

Geoff · Post by **Geoff** » Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:50 am

What do you call someone who speaks 2 Languages? .....Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 3 Languages? .... Trilingual

What do you call someone who speaks only one language ... American

Kopio · Post by **Kopio** » Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:55 am

phil wrote:What do you give a man who has everything?
What do you call a man wearing eleven balaclavas?

Well.....are you gonna give us the punchlines?? Or am I just too dense to get it??

Post by **klewlis** » Mon Mar 22, 2004 7:51 am

Kopio wrote:
phil wrote:What do you give a man who has everything?
What do you call a man wearing eleven balaclavas?
Well.....are you gonna give us the punchlines?? Or am I just too dense to get it??

I think... that the second question may be the punchline. Maybe when someone has everything you give him a balaclava?

:)

phil · Post by **phil** » Mon Mar 22, 2004 7:33 pm

1. Penicillin
2. Anything you like, he can't hear you.

Mongoose42 · Post by **Mongoose42** » Mon Mar 22, 2004 7:44 pm

Geoff wrote: What do you call someone who speaks only one language ... American

Nice, and for the most part true

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Tue Mar 23, 2004 12:31 am

On a lovely sunny morning in the Big Forest, the Bear family is just waking
up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his own small chair at the table.
He looks into his own small bowl and it is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge ?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear then arrives at the table and sits down in his big chair. He
looks into his own big bowl and it is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge ?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells.....

For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who who made all the beds and washed all the clothes.
It was Mummy Bear who who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out early in the cold to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
It was Mummy Bear who who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled
the cat's water bowl and food dish.

And NOW.........you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your
presence.

Listen up real good, because I'm only going to say this one more time.....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!!!"

Kopio · Post by **Kopio** » Wed Mar 24, 2004 12:27 am

phil wrote:1. Penicillin
2. Anything you like, he can't hear you.

LOL....I like it

Kerastes · Post by **Kerastes** » Wed Mar 24, 2004 12:57 am

threewood14 wrote:Why did the chicken cross the road?

Okay, here's another geek joke.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

A. To get to the same side.

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Wed Mar 24, 2004 3:10 am

a little girl was learning about marine mammals and the teacher replied to her query about jonah being swallowed by the whale.
the teacher said that it was impossible for jonah to have been swallowed by the whale because whales have very small throats.
the little girl cited the story in the bible and the teacher got perturbed and said that's final it just not possible,the whale although a large marine mammal could not swallow a man!
the little girl replied ok, when i get to heaven i'll go find jonah and i'll ask him.
the teacher asked, what if jonah did not go to heaven but instead went to hell?
the little girl responded, well then you ask him!!

Geoff · Post by **Geoff** » Wed Mar 24, 2004 3:48 am

A little girl was in a class where her teacher was explaining that the exodus from Egypt took place in a shallow part of the water about 6 inches deep. The little girl cried out "HALLELUJIA PRAISE GOD FOR THE MIRACLE" The teacher remarked, "no no, honey there was no miracle." To which the little girl replied, "Praise God who can drown all of pharoah's army in 6 inches of water"

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Wed Mar 24, 2004 10:05 pm

Immediately following the Super Bowl, George W. Bush called the Patriots
and complemented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and
said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson

mingshey · Post by **mingshey** » Sat Apr 03, 2004 9:45 am

College toilet graffity:

"God is dead" -- Nietsche --

which is answered by another guy:

"Nietsche's dead, too" -- God --

yet another reply:

"You both are dead meats" -- Janitor --

Amy · Post by **Amy** » Sun Apr 04, 2004 11:44 pm

What's a pirate's favorite kind of sock?
ARRRRRRgyle!
(...hahahaaaaa...)

According to my latin teacher, "One of the very few Latin jokes out there"
Semper ubi, sub ubi...."always wear under wear"
(he finds this extremely funny

)

benissimus · Post by **benissimus** » Mon Apr 05, 2004 3:30 am

Oh... Latin jokes...
Caesar adsum jam forte, Pompei aderat.

(Caesar 'ad some jam for tea, Pompey 'ad a rat)

Amy · Post by **Amy** » Mon Apr 05, 2004 4:46 am

To keep in spirit:

The Latin professor was uncharacteristically late in returning home. His wife was starting to worry when he entered the house. His hair was disheveled, his clothes were torn, his glasses were broken, and his left eye was starting to swell up.
"What happened to you?"
"My dear, you won't believe it. On my way home from school I was set upon by a bunch of hoodla."

He was so upset that he went to a bar near his house for a drink to settle his nerves.
"What'll it be?" asked the bartender.
"A martinus," said the professor.
"Don't you mean martini?"
"If I wanted more than one I'd ask for more than one."

And

Rosa rosa rosa est est.
A rose is a rose is a rose.

(courtesy of googling "Latin Jokes"...)
I don't know why I find all of these so funny, lol...

Episcopus · Post by **Episcopus** » Mon Apr 05, 2004 7:45 pm

hahah the first one is class, lovely jokes Amy haha

In reality he'd probably be punched...

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 8:04 pm

I knew that semper ubi sub ubi joke. My Latin teacher told us that one but the martinus one is funny.

I love Latin...Its really fun if taight the right way. By the way, what does ABL mean?

Kopio · Post by **Kopio** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 8:11 pm

Episcopus wrote:
Cecilina has triplets. One tugs on her skirt and asks "mommy mommy why did you call me fluff?"
"Because son when you were born some fluff was dropped onto your head" "fair dos"
The second triplet slaps Cecilina's leg and asks "mommy mommy why am I called coin?"
"Because son when you were born a coin was dropped on your head"
"ah ok".
And in the corner the third triplet is jumping about in the corner thwacking his head against the wall "huuuuuh huuuh mwahahehuhhhhhhhh heeeee huhhhh"
"SHUT UP BRICK!!"

it's better in person since the retard noises can be achieved.

The retard noises really do make it, I thought it was kind of funny when I read it, but I told it at work the other day, and the whole breakroom was rolling....Nice one!

BTW, I told it after the binary joke....which only two people got....yes, I am a blue collar worker

Barrius · Post by **Barrius** » Thu Apr 29, 2004 12:21 pm

threewood14 wrote:I love Latin...Its really fun if taight the right way. By the way, what does ABL mean?

I wish I had more time to study Latin, and am amazed at how many English words are either derived from Latin. I'm not sure of the context of the ABL reference, but on a Latin forum, I would guess it means "Anything But Latin".

threewood14 · Post by **threewood14** » Sun May 02, 2004 4:11 pm

Exactly.

primitive · Post by **primitive** » Wed May 05, 2004 9:09 pm

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

Kopio · Post by **Kopio** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 6:51 am

OK.....Mingshey's post on Three virtues of a programmer got me thinking of this joke that a customer gave me....see if you like it.

int pot()
{
int black=1;
kettle(black);
return 1;
}

Whadda ya think?? Is it as funny as I thought it was??