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Amateur poetry

This board is a composition workshop, like a writers' workshop: post your work with questions about style or vocabulary, comment on other people's work, post composition challenges on some topic or form, or just dazzle us with your inventive use of galliambics.

Amateur poetry

Postby nathan92 » Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:48 pm

I have written 3 Latin haiku, and I would greatly appreciate if someone could check the spelling and grammar for me.

The first one is meant to read

I hear a game,
Tiny feet, sounds
Of playful laughter

Which I have written as

audio ludus ,
pediculi, sonitus
risus ludicri

And the second one is supposed to be

Birds in the heights
Wind stirs the leaves
Sunlight shines

Which I have written as

aves in alta
ventus folia movet
lux solis luce

And the final one is

Soon I will have gone
And you will still be here;
Then I will be broken

Which I translated as

mox abivero
et etiam hic eris;
ero tum fractus

I hope these are right, because they have the right number of syllables per line. But any corrections (especially grammar) and improvements would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :D
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Re: Amateur poetry

Postby Polyfloisbos » Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:27 am

First of all, congratulations for these verses. Writting Latin poetry it's a healthy -although sadly forgotten- activity which will improve your Latin level very quickly. Some suggestions about these verses:

1- Audio it's a transitive verb so ludus should be an accusative (ludum). You can also say a game by using nuga or lepos. Please note that all the direct object complements -pediculi, sonitus risus ludicri- should also be declined in accusative, for they are appositions.

2- In the heights it's a complement which describes the place where the birds are, so in Latin this should be an ablative (in + abl= where they are, in + acc= where they go). Aves in altis it's quite good. Lux solis luce should be lux solis lucet (or splendet, nitet, etc.).

3- Et etiam doesn't sound as Latin as it is supposed to. Try with adhuc, etiamnum, etiamtunc, etc.
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