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Amateur poetry

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Amateur poetry

Postby nathan92 » Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:48 pm

I have written 3 Latin haiku, and I would greatly appreciate if someone could check the spelling and grammar for me.

The first one is meant to read

I hear a game,
Tiny feet, sounds
Of playful laughter

Which I have written as

audio ludus ,
pediculi, sonitus
risus ludicri


And the second one is supposed to be

Birds in the heights
Wind stirs the leaves
Sunlight shines

Which I have written as

aves in alta
ventus folia movet
lux solis luce


And the final one is

Soon I will have gone
And you will still be here;
Then I will be broken

Which I translated as

mox abivero
et etiam hic eris;
ero tum fractus


I hope these are right, because they have the right number of syllables per line. But any corrections (especially grammar) and improvements would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :D
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Re: Amateur poetry

Postby Polyfloisbos » Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:27 am

First of all, congratulations for these verses. Writting Latin poetry it's a healthy -although sadly forgotten- activity which will improve your Latin level very quickly. Some suggestions about these verses:

1- Audio it's a transitive verb so ludus should be an accusative (ludum). You can also say a game by using nuga or lepos. Please note that all the direct object complements -pediculi, sonitus risus ludicri- should also be declined in accusative, for they are appositions.

2- In the heights it's a complement which describes the place where the birds are, so in Latin this should be an ablative (in + abl= where they are, in + acc= where they go). Aves in altis it's quite good. Lux solis luce should be lux solis lucet (or splendet, nitet, etc.).

3- Et etiam doesn't sound as Latin as it is supposed to. Try with adhuc, etiamnum, etiamtunc, etc.
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