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In need of your proof reading...

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In need of your proof reading...

Postby G82. » Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:03 pm

Hanc provocationem magnam suscepi, carmen de materiis animorum nostrorum scribere. Hic difficultas gemina est: facere cunctum versu venustu una est et altera - situm vere aestimare.

I'd be very grateful to get some feedback on this.
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Re: In need of your proof reading...

Postby thesaurus » Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:06 am

G82. wrote:Hanc provocationem magnam suscepi, carmen de materiis animorum nostrorum scribere. Hic difficultas gemina est: facere cunctum versu venustu una est et altera - situm vere aestimare.

I'd be very grateful to get some feedback on this.


First, here's how I read it in English:
"I took up this great challenge, to write a song about the matter of our souls. The difficulty here is two-fold: one, to make everything with an attractive verse, and also to correctly assess the situation."

The only grammatical innacuracy I see is "venustu," which should be "venusto," the abl. m. sg. adjective.
Horae quidem cedunt et dies et menses et anni, nec praeteritum tempus umquam revertitur nec quid sequatur sciri potest. Quod cuique temporis ad vivendum datur, eo debet esse contentus. --Cicero, De Senectute
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Postby G82. » Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:56 am

Great! This is almost exactly what I was trying to say. I'm thinking I should substitute "facere" with something else as it's supposed to read "to put it all in (a) pretty verse", rather than "to make it all..." "Contrahere" seems a tempting option, any thoughts?

Thanks a lot for spotting the typo ("venustu - o")!
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Postby thesaurus » Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:08 pm

May I suggest "conferre," which means bringing and putting things together?

Also, you could probably adjust the 'una et altera' structure. Possibly "una, conferre cunctum versu venusto et altera, situm vere aestimare."
Horae quidem cedunt et dies et menses et anni, nec praeteritum tempus umquam revertitur nec quid sequatur sciri potest. Quod cuique temporis ad vivendum datur, eo debet esse contentus. --Cicero, De Senectute
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Postby G82. » Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:08 pm

Of course, "conferre" is exactly the word I need! (I should have thought of it.) Thank you Thesaurus. And thank you also for your suggestion regarding the "una et altera" structure, it does sound better this way.
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