GlottalGreekGeek, I believe [b]Black Water[/i] was where I first read the story as well. It's a wonderful anthology. And the story, as you say, seemed to offer a fun exercise in translation. I've been slowly working through Sidgewick, which is useful, but it doesn't offer quite the same free rein for creativity.
Annis, thanks for the comments.
I found your version quite interesting, both for the insight it offered into the Greek, and because when I compared it with what I had done I saw more clearly some of the things I had been stumbling around trying to formulate. My goal at this point is really to produce something comprehensible and grammatically correct, but it's so helpful to be able to look at what someone else came up with and recognize, 'yes, of course, that's how it should be put.'
In this respect I particularly liked your use of compound verbs, which is so natural in the Greek, and the construction in the last sentence with a main verb and a participle of á¼”ÏÏ‡Î¿Î¼Î±Î¹. I've seen that I don't know how many times, and yet it never occurred to me. I need to make a note to myself that whenever I find I'm trying to use an adverb of place, to see whether a compound verb would be better instead.
A number of my choices in in my translation were rather arbitrary. ÎºÎ±Î¹Î½á½¹Ï‚ was mostly an influence from Lucian's "True Histories," where he uses it a number of times when talking about strange and marvellous things. I almost put Ï„ÎµÏá½±ÏƒÏ„Î¹Î¿Ï‚, another Lucian word, into the title before deciding on Ï†á½±Î½Ï„Î±ÏƒÎ¼Î±.
For the dialogue, I thought about using á¼¦ Î´â€™ á½…Ï‚, but avoided it mostly because I haven't seen it often enough to be entirely comfortable with the usage.
The English here is a bit unusual also. The use of "man" and "girl" instead of the pronouns adds a certain visual concreteness, but also a vagueness and indeterminacy about their identity. á¼€Î½á½µÏ and Î³Ï…Î½á½µ are much too strong in Greek to express this, now that I think about it, however. á½ƒÏ‚ is a bit more direct than I was aiming for, but it definitely seems more natural than, say, Î¿á½–Ï„Î¿Ï‚.
á½¡Ï‚ Î²Î±ÏÎµá¿–Î± is better than Ï„á½¹ÏƒÎ· (Î²Î±ÏÎµá¿–Î±) because "how" is qualifying a descriptive adjective, not a bare noun? Here again you confirm my first instinct which I didn't follow up on; Ï„á½¹ÏƒÎ¿Ï‚ is something I have a sense of what it means but still struggle with exactly how it is used in Greek, so I was experimenting to try to figure out how it works.
The construction "not both of us/only one of us" draws a very forceful contrast between the two phrases. English leaves this unadorned, and I kept this in the translation because of the directness, but of course using correlatives such as á½ Î¼á½³Î½ ... á½ Î´á½³ would have a similar effect in Greek.
IPHIGENIE: Kann uns zum Vaterland die Fremde werden?
ARKAS: Und dir ist fremd das Vaterland geworden.
IPHIGENIE: Das ist's, warum mein blutend Herz nicht heilt.
(Goethe, Iphigenie auf Tauris)