If you've got leaving on your mind (or, Patsy Cline greeked)

This board is a composition workshop, like a writers' workshop: post your work with questions about style or vocabulary, comment on other people's work, post composition challenges on some topic or form, or just dazzle us with your inventive use of galliambics.
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annis
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If you've got leaving on your mind (or, Patsy Cline greeked)

Post by annis »


William S. Annis — http://www.aoidoi.org/http://www.scholiastae.org/
τίς πατέρ' αἰνήσει εἰ μὴ κακοδαίμονες υἱοί;

Kasper
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Post by Kasper »

Very nice Will, even despite the (poetic) liberty taken as to the dreams that might have been.

I've drafted a latin version, also using the same meter. the third verse uses the meter of Mr Cho Dim for variety.

There are a number of weaknesses, but the most glaring is scilicet the line 'noli huc reliquere me etiam alucinantem ita adhinc'. To be perfectly honest, 'ita adhinc' is mere filler, putty, but well... it's the best i could come up with!

i'm not too sure about ending a line with a single syllable word either, and of course 'novus' doesn't really end with a long syllable. i've still used it as such because it's at the end of the line. I note you did the same.


si discedere destines
nunc narra mihi, finias
etiam me noce, finias
si discedere destines

sive in corde amor est novus
nunc narra mihi, finias
iamiam me noce, finias
sive in corde amor est novus

noli huc relinquere me
etiam alucinantem ita adhinc
nuncque me noce, finias
ut amare conperiam

sive in corde amor est novus
nunc narra mihi, finias
iamiam me noce, finias
sive in corde amor est novus

iamiam me noce, finias
sive in corde amor est novus
“Cum ego verbo utar,” Humpty Dumpty dixit voce contempta, “indicat illud quod optem – nec plus nec minus.”
“Est tamen rogatio” dixit Alice, “an efficere verba tot res indicare possis.”
“Rogatio est, “Humpty Dumpty responsit, “quae fiat magister – id cunctum est.”

annis
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Post by annis »

Kasper wrote:Very nice Will, even despite the (poetic) liberty taken as to the dreams that might have been.
It's not clear to me that the ancient Greeks had the same psychology of dreams that motivated that lyric. Also, it would have blown my neat 4-line glyconics.
I've drafted a latin version, also using the same meter.
What's Latin for "yay!"?
i'm not too sure about ending a line with a single syllable word either,
Horace will be the poet to check for that, though I suppose Catullus uses his fair share of aeolic meters, too.
and of course 'novus' doesn't really end with a long syllable. i've still used it as such because it's at the end of the line. I note you did the same.
If the lines were to be taken in synaphaea I would have indented differently. I used the glyconics by the line, so the final syllable of the line is indifferent. I'm pretty sure that applies to both Greek and Latin verse.

So. A small Latin lesson for Wm...
nunc narra mihi, finias
etiam me noce, finias
My dictionaries make me suspicious about the acc. here with noceo. Dat. might be better.

And the entire etiam... line leaves me in doubt about my Latin scanning abilities. Isn't it nocē?

That's probably enough of me Latinating for just now. :)
William S. Annis — http://www.aoidoi.org/http://www.scholiastae.org/
τίς πατέρ' αἰνήσει εἰ μὴ κακοδαίμονες υἱοί;

Kasper
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Post by Kasper »

annis wrote:
i'm not too sure about ending a line with a single syllable word either,
Horace will be the poet to check for that, though I suppose Catullus uses his fair share of aeolic meters, too.
Yeah well, 4 more months of law school and the world will reopen to me again, and allow me some time to actually read something other than case law.

annis wrote: synaphaea
pardon?

annis wrote:
nunc narra mihi, finias
etiam me noce, finias
My dictionaries make me suspicious about the acc. here with noceo. Dat. might be better.

And the entire etiam... line leaves me in doubt about my Latin scanning abilities. Isn't it nocē?
Indeed you are right on all counts. I will amend to: "nunc/iam noce mihi, finias"
“Cum ego verbo utar,” Humpty Dumpty dixit voce contempta, “indicat illud quod optem – nec plus nec minus.”
“Est tamen rogatio” dixit Alice, “an efficere verba tot res indicare possis.”
“Rogatio est, “Humpty Dumpty responsit, “quae fiat magister – id cunctum est.”

cb
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Post by cb »

hey will, cool but looks like a line doesn't scan:

στᾶσαν ?νθάδε μὴ λίπῃς
?λπίζουσάν [insert long] με ματήν,


i had a go at these lines:

οἴμοι, μηκέτι πεῖθέ με
ἅττ' ἂν ἦν ἔτι π?οσδοκᾶν.


cheers :)

cb
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Post by cb »

hey will, noticed also in your signature that you have aspirated the indefinite neut acc pl as a pronoun (ἄττα) rather than as a relative (ἅττα), cheers :)

annis
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Post by annis »


William S. Annis — http://www.aoidoi.org/http://www.scholiastae.org/
τίς πατέρ' αἰνήσει εἰ μὴ κακοδαίμονες υἱοί;

annis
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Posts: 3399
Joined: Fri Jan 03, 2003 4:55 pm
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Post by annis »


William S. Annis — http://www.aoidoi.org/http://www.scholiastae.org/
τίς πατέρ' αἰνήσει εἰ μὴ κακοδαίμονες υἱοί;

annis
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Posts: 3399
Joined: Fri Jan 03, 2003 4:55 pm
Location: Madison, WI, USA
Contact:

Post by annis »


William S. Annis — http://www.aoidoi.org/http://www.scholiastae.org/
τίς πατέρ' αἰνήσει εἰ μὴ κακοδαίμονες υἱοί;

annis
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Location: Madison, WI, USA
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Post by annis »

One dodgy fix:


στᾶσαν ?νθάδε μὴ λίπῃς
παθοῦσάν τέ με καὶ μάτην.


More thinking may be required, to do more than merely satisfy the meter.
William S. Annis — http://www.aoidoi.org/http://www.scholiastae.org/
τίς πατέρ' αἰνήσει εἰ μὴ κακοδαίμονες υἱοί;

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