Textkit Logo

Here's to you by Joan Baez

This board is a composition workshop, like a writers' workshop: post your work with questions about style or vocabulary, comment on other people's work, post composition challenges on some topic or form, or just dazzle us with your inventive use of galliambics.

Moderator: annis

Here's to you by Joan Baez

Postby Hampie » Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:13 pm

Here's to you, Nicola and Bart
Rest forever here in our hearts
The last and final moment is yours
That agony is your triumph

Vobis hoc, Nicolæ Bartoque,
requiescant in pace cordibus.
Vobis ultimum estis momentum.
Agoniens triumphavistis.


My first translation ever.
Här kan jag i alla fall skriva på svenska, eller hur?
User avatar
Hampie
Textkit Member
 
Posts: 176
Joined: Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:51 pm
Location: Holmia, Suecia

Re: Here's to you by Joan Baez

Postby Craig_Thomas » Sun Oct 17, 2010 9:54 pm

l1.
I like "vobis hoc", though I worry that it looks like a word-for-word rendering of the English, while in fact it means something rather different. "Here's to" is an idiomatic way of toasting someone or something; "here is a drink in honour of ...", one might expand it. "Vobis hoc" seems rather to mean "this poem is for you" ("hoc" agreeing, perhaps, with an implied "carmen"). But "vobis hoc" certainly makes good sense, and has the virtue of brevity, whereas "vobis propinamus" or somesuch would make this line rather longer than the others. So, keep it, I say, but be aware of this difference in meaning. If you were already aware, I apologise.
Nicola and Bart are being directly adressed here, so I think their names should be in the vocative case, rather than in apposition with "vobis".

l3.
"Ultimum momentum" is the subject, so the verb should not be in the second person.

l4.
I'm not sure about the perfect tense here; present seems more fitting.
Is "agoniens" really a word?
Craig_Thomas
Textkit Member
 
Posts: 153
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:42 am

Re: Here's to you by Joan Baez

Postby Hampie » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:18 pm

Craig_Thomas wrote:l1.
I like "vobis hoc", though I worry that it looks like a word-for-word rendering of the English, while in fact it means something rather different. "Here's to" is an idiomatic way of toasting someone or something; "here is a drink in honour of ...", one might expand it. "Vobis hoc" seems rather to mean "this poem is for you" ("hoc" agreeing, perhaps, with an implied "carmen"). But "vobis hoc" certainly makes good sense, and has the virtue of brevity, whereas "vobis propinamus" or somesuch would make this line rather longer than the others. So, keep it, I say, but be aware of this difference in meaning. If you were already aware, I apologise.
Nicola and Bart are being directly adressed here, so I think their names should be in the vocative case, rather than in apposition with "vobis".

l3.
"Ultimum momentum" is the subject, so the verb should not be in the second person.

l4.
I'm not sure about the perfect tense here; present seems more fitting.
Is "agoniens" really a word?

I did a Swedish translation too, and part of my latin translation was whith that still in my mind. In Swedish I translated 'Here's to you' into 'For your sake', only because it made the lyrics singable. I think that is more important than exact meaning correspondance :D.

Haha, darnit! It actually was 'est', but I 'corrected' it into estis. Mihi sunt nulli sorores... I knew that it sometimes was not est, in this construction, but I forgot that the items 'owned' should give the verb it's number.

As for agonia, it was a try for the present particip of agonio. I realise now that it has to be conjugated into plural...Agonientes.
Code: Select all
agonio, agoniare, agoniavi, agoniatus  V    TRANS   [EXXEW]    Later  uncommon
struggle/fight (against); strive unto death (Vulgate Sirach 4:33);
Här kan jag i alla fall skriva på svenska, eller hur?
User avatar
Hampie
Textkit Member
 
Posts: 176
Joined: Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:51 pm
Location: Holmia, Suecia

Re: Here's to you by Joan Baez

Postby Hampie » Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:19 pm

First conjugation... Agoniantes, of course...
Här kan jag i alla fall skriva på svenska, eller hur?
User avatar
Hampie
Textkit Member
 
Posts: 176
Joined: Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:51 pm
Location: Holmia, Suecia

Re: Here's to you by Joan Baez

Postby Craig_Thomas » Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:01 am

"Agonio" is certainly a new one for me! It's in neither the OLD nor Lewis & Short. I wonder if St. Jerome, not satisfied that there was a Latin equivalent for the Septuagint's "ἀγώνισαι", wasn't the first and last man to ever use it. Before you, that is!
Craig_Thomas
Textkit Member
 
Posts: 153
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:42 am

Re: Here's to you by Joan Baez

Postby Kasper » Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:54 am

My brief rendering (brutally plagiarising Hampie:)

Hoc vobis, Nicola et Barte,
Semper requiescite in cordibus [nostris]
Ultimum postremumque vobis
[Illa] acerbitas triumphus est.

I'm not familiar with the melody, unfortunately, but taking elision into account, it seems to come reasonably close in terms of the number of syllables.

K
“Cum ego verbo utar,” Humpty Dumpty dixit voce contempta, “indicat illud quod optem – nec plus nec minus.”
“Est tamen rogatio” dixit Alice, “an efficere verba tot res indicare possis.”
“Rogatio est, “Humpty Dumpty responsit, “quae fiat magister – id cunctum est.”
Kasper
Textkit Zealot
 
Posts: 799
Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2003 3:01 am
Location: Melbourne


Return to Composition Board

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests