Kasper wrote:After looking around on Will's website for a while I saw this haiku page.
People do read that! Amazing.
h)/lqe de\ u(/dwr
h( gh~ katapo/tnizei
kai\ me\n a)/nhcei
There are a few difficulties here, some of which you already identified. Zeta does close a syllable, and the length of the upsilon of [face=spionic]u(/dwr[/face]
There are three other things I'd change here.
unelided before a word starting with a vowel is not so good. In prose we don't bother to write elisions, but they were probably there. In verse, we have to write them. So that eats up one syllable.
You should take Chad's suggestion, and change [face=spionic]de/[/face]
if you want both of them in the poem. Or, since it's at the start, I might go with something like this (assuming I'm interpreting the poem's razo
correctly): [face=spionic]h)=lqe to\ ku=ma[/face]
. Of course, this requires we take each line by the line, and allow ourselves the license of brevis in longa. Since we're inventing it, why not?
Second (and ignoring the scanning for the moment) I think there's a transitivity problem with [face=spionic]kataponti/zw[/face]
. Based on L&S I'm inclined to take this verb to be transitive, and so [face=spionic]h( gh= k.[/face]
would mean that the earth is drowning something
, not that it is being drowned. I would either change the case of [face=spionic]gh=[/face]
to accusative, or make the verb passive. Say, [face=spionic]th\n gh=n katapo/ntisan[/face]
(aor. part., fixes scanning, but [face=spionic]kataponti/zwn[/face]
keeps the syllable count).
Finally, it's a bit of a surprise to find [face=spionic]me/n[/face]
EDIT: *sigh* agreement problem fixed